The Manhattan Bridge. It seems like a perfect place. At this height, anyone who jumps will be dead for sure. Maybe no one will find the body. Not until it floats and been found by the coaster. And, it was still night. No one will bother to notice to stop me.
‘Hey Craig, what about the bike?’
‘I want to kill myself I don’t care about the bike.’
‘Don’t you ever think what if I might want it later?’
‘Yeah hon, that’s your problem. You never care about us. You never think what might happen to us when you are gone.’
I love the movie. The book.
It’s a story about how a teenage boy ending up in an adult psychiatry ward unit. He thinks that he can’t handle the outside world. Growing up full with expectations, eventually he just can’t catch up. He was afraid of letting his father down, so afraid of not going to be accepted in one of the most prestigious summer school and thus, being left out by his incredibly genius friends.
I guess this are the most common concern kids these day will have. At the moment, it feels so big and important. You spent hours and days coming up with alternatives but no, it still won’t work out. You ran.
Just like Craig.
But, Craig ran to make better of his life. He knows that he needs help and he was not ashamed to admit his ‘sicknesses’.
‘Can you explain what are you feeling this morning that trigger you to this place?’
‘It’s hard to explain. But, it feels big. Like I don’t know what I might do to myself if I was out there.’
Sometimes, it’s hard to explain all that you feel inside. It’s not like you had any particular reasons why you might had feel depressed. That was why I believe human are a very powerful creature. Their ability to withstand and understand is immeasurable. We could never tell how patience a person is nor could we tell how understanding a person is.
Other people might feel that our problems are insignificant to theirs. We feel that they don’t understand us. But, had you tried to understand them. Had you both tried to make understand of each other?
No problems are too big or too small. They are just the I-can-handle-it-problems and the I-don’t-think-I-can-settled-it-problems. Every problem comes with an answer. Have faith in that statement. It just that sometimes in order to find the exact answer, you had to go a long way. You had to do countless of try and error. And, many find it easier to leave it blank rather than giving it a try.
I met my college junior earlier today.
‘I’d made my mind. I want to give up my studies abroad and continue it in local university instead.’
‘Don’t you want to at least give it a try? There’s still plenty of time until the A2 exam. Besides dik, I have plenty of friends that were once on the same situation as you. They didn’t met the cut off point for the AS exam but, they still make it through at the end.’
‘I can’t guarantee it will be the same for me kak. I know my performance and it feels so hard. Besides I don’t want to put my future at stake.’
‘So, what’s your plan?’
‘Are your parents okay with your decisions?’
‘What course did you take? What’s your subject combination?’
‘Had you apply any of the local universities?’
‘Will you.. be fine?’
To be able to console a soul today, I feel my own consoled. Sometimes, it was much easier to find happiness in others happiness. Honestly, I really need someone to hear me out. I want to pour everything that I had kept inside. I just want someone to listen. Someone that will understand, without me having to utter the words to describe.
I had always been the one that listened. All the time. I console myself by consoling others. I had always thought that by that I will be more at ease. But now I’m not sure anymore. When I decide to open up, it feels like no one cares.
I lied. By saying that I’m fine. I had to. Because I need to live. To move on. To forget. To dream.. again.
But, I am fine.. really.