I know when I’d did something wrong. Even though I will try to act all cool coming up with excuses and reasons to justify why I might be right, I know that I had actually really screwed things up.
There were many times that I really regret what I’d said and what I’d write. Because I was too rush in my judgments, I hurt feelings. I’m not an expressive person. But, whenever I try to express my thoughts, it always went terribly wrong.
Should I just keep quiet and accept everything that goes?
Should I never write my thoughts and feelings that are too sharp because who knows if it might cut someone?
I’m fully aware of how bloody-sharp might words could be. I know. And I also know how deep it could cut through. Then how?
These words will never need to be spoken out, if there are no reasons to.
I like to be frank. No, I’m actually not. The only place that I had always been frank at is when I’m writing this blog. I’d never be blatantly frank than I ever was when I write. Because this is literally me and I’m not faking.
But, I learned from the past 20 years that it’s impossible to be myself. Because to be myself means to do whatever I want and not to be effected by what the society might think of it was. I can’t even say or write what I feels let alone trying to be myself up. Huhh.
It is not my personality which did not permit me to freely be me as whole, it’s my deen.
The thing that had made me all quiet and to just bear everything up this whole time, it is my deen. Even if I had reach my limit and about to burst out, I would always think ahead of time. But, I will still slip. And I’m scare when that’s happen.
It made me scared of my own words. That’s why I had always avoided to give statements, or to speak my thoughts out, or even to say for what’s right and what’s wrong. Sebab cakap jangan pakai emosi kan. But, I’m full with emotions everywhere.
Nights ago, I got two strange dreams. And I like to take it as warning signs from Him saying that I’d did wrong.
The first dream made me wide awake at 2am. My teeth was turning into pointed sharp dinosaur-like-teeth and I was hysterically trying to eat a kid that annoyed (poking) me. Ahh that moments when you wake up all trembled and your heart beat frantically. Astaghfirullahaladzim. I seek forgiveness only from you, my Lord. I don’t even want to go back to sleep because afraid it will to be continued.
I’d wronged. I can’t even cry because in some way I know what those dream meant.
I spent some times praying then because I was too troubled. This was my second time in life that a dream made me wide awake out of fright.
I dream again for the second time. I was taking a wudhu when a stranger sprinkled me with water from the back. I ignored her. Then, she splashed me with water. It’s weird but I still let her be. After that, she took a basin of water and poured it onto me. No. I don’t let it slide this time.
I faced her and clearly said this,
“Kalau bukan sebab sabar, dah lama dah aku balas balik.”
Then, she suddenly went hysterical and turned into a demon (haha I know it’s a dream). She caught me and dropped me from a high place. The falling feels so real it wake me up, again with my heart beating so hard.
I know this sound funny.
But, I got the message. Kind of.
There might be a number of times that someone or something makes you mad, be patient. And when you feel that you are patient enough, you are actually not. Hold some more.
On the next morning I accidentally got my finger stuck in between the windows.
“Ya allah, sakit sakit haa janji tak buat lagi janji tak buat lagi”