Tuesday, 2 December 2014

The Bitter Truth; Boys, Love, Repeat.

So, first story.


I sure have pretty lots of boys around me all my life. I have four brothers. I played with their boy friends, I played with my boy cousins. I played with our boy neighbors. I played with boys my entire childhood, I'm so boyish until I get a free I-think-my-face-going-to-burn slapped from my brother. Hahah. It's hurt.

I don't understand boys, but they can be too shy and they can be too bold all at the same time. Or maybe they are just too lazy to bother. 

But, what I learnt from having too much brothers is that boys are so sensitive.

My mother scold my younger brother because he keeps doing mistakes when leading us as an Imam prayer. But, he never listens. Until, one day I took the chance to talk about it with him at a wedding ceremony! Gosh, it's so funny I can't never forget about it.

'Mamat, ika nak cakap kejap. Ko kan kalau jadi Imam macam untuk solat Subuh ke Maghrib ke bacalah Al-fatihah kuat2. Alah kacang je Al-fatihah. Lepas tu ko bacalah surah An-nas ke Al-ikhlas ke. Ko hafal dua je dah lepastu ko ulang2 jela. Kalau doa tu alah ko baca doa lepas belajar yang kat sekolah tu pon boleh. Doa makan lagi senang...'

The next day, he tries it for real. I was so proud, I'm smiling in my prayer. I learnt that, a little encouragement and trust are all that was need. Never scold them in public. Everyone hate it when they are been point out in public. That will just bring the ego up. So, do it personally.

As I have so many brothers, each one of them is a pain in the head.

I have one that was so rebellious, everyone in school called him as 'taiko'. When I was in form one, he's in form four. I hate it when I walked around school and the other kids were staring and talking about me being 'adik din'. I have name please..

He has gangs of course. I thinks he was sort of a handsome face's bad boy. And, maybe everyone just can't process the fact that he has a tudung labuh sister. Hahah. I know, even I can't.

Even though I don't like him. I had always supported him. There's one time when he really screwed up. And during those time, he only talks and ask me for help. Of course I'm mad at him, but I don't know why I still help. He's a blood after all. I'm just glad I did what I did because who knows what happened to him then if I didn't do anything.

In return, I know all of his past and current girlfriends. I didn't ask for this and it feels really unpleasant. He always introduce me with his girlfriends. And then, they'll treat me like I'm a sister-in-law you wish. Date him, but please ignore me.

I laughed so hard when his girlfriend told me this,

'Ika, din sayang betul eh dekat ika. Dia kata dekat akak jangan kacau ika. Lepas tu dia kata kalau ada orang buli ika nati bagitahu dia biar dia belasah budak tu.'

Hahaha geli betul dengar.

And the other two engineers be like, 'tak ade mesin ke yang masukkan carot je terus terpotong baru senang sikit kerja', bila suruh tolong dekat dapur. Hahah. 

Those boys are my brothers. Kind of boys that I hate and love both at the same time.

Others boys are just not worth of my attention. So, please out of my way! 


Next; Love.

I'd never been in love. A lie. HAHAH. This is not a topic I comfortable discussing. I know at this age, people tends to feel attracted in people of opposite gender. When I was little, my dad always said..

'Heh, nak bercinta-cinta nati dah masuk universiti baru boleh. Dekat sekolah belajar dulu.'

But, as I grow old, love is the least thing I think about. I had to think about the assignments, the grades, the placements, the applications, my ambition for short. Because, sadly jodoh is something that's certain unlike the future of ambition which is.. huh.

So, in this current moment I will not chase or receive any love. Like there is haha. Because you know life is so short and there are so many things that I want to achieve. So many place that I want to go. And being stuck in the so-called-love feelings is a waste of time. Just wait for the right time, and then here comes your right guy.

A friend once ask, is love suppose to be seek or wait and it'll just come?

The answer is both. First, you have to seek love. From Allah. Bercintalah dengan Allah. If only I could tell you that feeling when you only see Him in everything that you do. You scared if you did something that'll make Him mad. In your heart is only peace. You cried when you recite the quran because the meaning feels like He is talking to you and assuring you. 

This is happened during my supplementary paper exam. That morning on bus I feel so anxious and nervous. I don't know what to do, so I kill time reciting quran. And I found a verse saying,

( 9:40 )

I smiled all day, and I really feel calm walking into the exam hall. Because I know He is here and He never leave :')

I'm literally crying writing this. Oh *wipe* *wipe*. I guess it is hard to have this kind of feeling. It's hard to love someone that you don't know, right. That you never met and can never see. How to do that? You need a strong will and start to leave behind all the 'lagho' things. Lowered your gaze. Fill your time with dzikir. Minimise ikhtilat with ajnabi. 

I'm not being syadid, but those things really do effect our heart. And macam mana nak lekat Allah dalam hati kalau ada lagi maksiat tak mampu kita tinggal. Tak mudah. Tapi milik siapa hati ni? Kenapa kita biar dia kotor padahal Allah bagi dekat kita dulu bersih suci hmm.

Then, just wait. I'm sure there's someone who will knock. Dah tu pulak jangan le jual mahal. Get to know each other. Get married. Done. And they live happily ever after pheww. Haha.